Jesus God.

How do you maintain a blog or a world in which you are filtered?  One in which you are afraid to be who you are?

You don’t.  About a year ago I severed full time ties and then four months later severed permanent ties with my previous employer.  In that world, I, for a short time, wrote about being a flight nurse.  I wrote about my life, my feelings and about how playing a small role in such a small world affected me and those around me.

Enter a risk averse employer, a helicopter crash, HIPAA and professional backlash for the blogger. Even the professionally responsible blogger.  As I sit on my couch, quietly listening to Blue October’s metamorphosis album Sway, I am suddenly struck with the realization that I experienced the same type of awakening over the past year. For some reason, I always expected to break out of a cocoon with the extreme conversion visual of a caterpillar to butterfly but the change in my mind and my heart has taken almost a year.

The year was spent weaning off of anti-anxiety and depression medication that the hyper vigilance of potentially, ever present threat of life loss, crashes, job loss, uncertainty of relationships and the world will drive one to needing. In retrospect, the loss of my ability to write in a medium I grew up with was the most devastating hole left by the world I was in.

I shut down, losing myself.

Letting go of the world I created and believed I needed to survive was horrifying and terrifying. Who knew that by doing that which I feared, I would find myself. My true, real, self.

Or, at least give myself the space, the time and the opportunity to do just that.

Blogging at Two a.m. inadvertently sporting my Aero Med Swag. Garb from a previous life. <3

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