I am sick of pink

I am sick of pink.

Pink runs, pink toothpaste packages, pink yogurt.

I am sick of pink articles, pink signs, pink nail polish.

Every time I see pink it reminds me that my mom has cancer.

It reminds me that the first time an “expert” saw her breast mass two years ago they said it was nothing.

You bastard.

You fucker.

You may have taken my mother away from me. If you would have done your job she may not be going through chemo. She may have had no lymph node involvement.

22

TWENTY-TWO LYMPH NODES

EVERY

FUCKING

ONE

You should wake up for the rest of your life and explain to her grandchildren about why their first lesson in death wasn’t their dog, it was their Beama.

Please nurses, doctors, techs at Mayo Clinic.

Please, Please take care of my mom.

Please make up for the mistakes of another.

Please give her more Christmas mornings, more afternoons of knitting, more time to teach her grandchildren all of the things she has taught me.

I cannot fathom a day without my mom. My teacher, my guide, my wisdom, my strength.

Not yet.

Not now.

The pink that is so empowering, that gives hope.

Please be my hope too.

  1. Don’t know which patient is you mother, but we take good care of all of our patients here at Mayo! Hope your mother makes it through!

  2. Don’t know which patient is you mother, but we take good care of all of our patients here at Mayo! Hope your mother makes it through!

  3. lost my mom in 2003 when I was 39. i wish i had shown the same passion as you when she was here. not that it would have changed things, but it maybe… thanks for your honesty and openness. d.

  4. lost my mom in 2003 when I was 39. i wish i had shown the same passion as you when she was here. not that it would have changed things, but it maybe… thanks for your honesty and openness. d.

  5. Em,

    I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you, seeing as I’ve never been through it myself. My mom is my strength and my rock too.

    Best wishes. Sending lots of prayers your way.

  6. Em,

    I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you, seeing as I’ve never been through it myself. My mom is my strength and my rock too.

    Best wishes. Sending lots of prayers your way.

  7. Thanks guys….I don’t like to sob on you all like that. That is, exactly what I did though. I sat at the computer last night sobbing. Ug. I hate crying. My eyes are all puffy and I look rode hard and put away wet today.

    Karen, I got your comment via email on my phone and it made me cry—but in a good way. Somehow just knowing that someone at Mayo heard made the travel and her having to go there—-better. As of right now she doesn’t “need” me there although I all but begged to go. She said she would need me more “later” which is scaring the hell out of me.

    david—I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine, although it isn’t for lack of trying.

    TJ & UMB—thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

  8. Thanks guys….I don’t like to sob on you all like that. That is, exactly what I did though. I sat at the computer last night sobbing. Ug. I hate crying. My eyes are all puffy and I look rode hard and put away wet today.

    Karen, I got your comment via email on my phone and it made me cry—but in a good way. Somehow just knowing that someone at Mayo heard made the travel and her having to go there—-better. As of right now she doesn’t “need” me there although I all but begged to go. She said she would need me more “later” which is scaring the hell out of me.

    david—I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine, although it isn’t for lack of trying.

    TJ & UMB—thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

  9. Damn. My heart hurts. Fuck you cancer, pick on somebody who isn’t so loving, family oriented, smiley, and fun. There are enough shitbags in the world cancer, go fuck with them. Fuck you cancer. Leave Beama alone.

  10. Damn. My heart hurts. Fuck you cancer, pick on somebody who isn’t so loving, family oriented, smiley, and fun. There are enough shitbags in the world cancer, go fuck with them. Fuck you cancer. Leave Beama alone.

  11. Damn Emily! I’m really sorry to hear that your Mom is reactive in so many nodes. It’s especially hard when ,as a health care provider, that you can’t hide inside the denial stage even for a little while. I hope that you sue the shit out of whoever missed it. I know money doesn’t replace your Mom but maybe it will weed out the crappy medical providers out here.

  12. Damn Emily! I’m really sorry to hear that your Mom is reactive in so many nodes. It’s especially hard when ,as a health care provider, that you can’t hide inside the denial stage even for a little while. I hope that you sue the shit out of whoever missed it. I know money doesn’t replace your Mom but maybe it will weed out the crappy medical providers out here.

  13. Emily, Your mom will be in my prayers again. I know we hold different beliefs… and sometimes with the stuff that we see I tend to question my faith, But I will pray anyway, It can’t hurt. Anyway, If there is anything I can do to help or maybe just take your mind off of it for a little while, just let me know! I think your Mom rocks, She is a very loving and caring person. I know that I don’t know here very well, but every time I see her she radiates care, love, and comfort! Again, if there is ANYTHING my clan or I can do just tell me! Keep your head up. John

  14. Emily, Your mom will be in my prayers again. I know we hold different beliefs… and sometimes with the stuff that we see I tend to question my faith, But I will pray anyway, It can’t hurt. Anyway, If there is anything I can do to help or maybe just take your mind off of it for a little while, just let me know! I think your Mom rocks, She is a very loving and caring person. I know that I don’t know here very well, but every time I see her she radiates care, love, and comfort! Again, if there is ANYTHING my clan or I can do just tell me! Keep your head up. John

  15. I love pink.
    We lost one of our closest friends to breast cancer three years ago. Before she passed her family was giving away (for donations to the American Cancer Society) the pink rubber bracelets you often see. I donated and started wearing one, and it has not been off my arm since. If I get my way it won’t come off until we kick cancer’s ass.
    (My bracelet has faded and really can no longer be called pink. What do you call pink when it’s half-pink?)

    Eight months ago our niece was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer.
    Another donation. Another bracelet… this one is teal.
    I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks…
    Teal and cancer go great together.

    Take heart Em…
    Attitude, prayers, and money…
    Every day, we are one day closer to gettin’-r-done.

  16. I love pink.
    We lost one of our closest friends to breast cancer three years ago. Before she passed her family was giving away (for donations to the American Cancer Society) the pink rubber bracelets you often see. I donated and started wearing one, and it has not been off my arm since. If I get my way it won’t come off until we kick cancer’s ass.
    (My bracelet has faded and really can no longer be called pink. What do you call pink when it’s half-pink?)

    Eight months ago our niece was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer.
    Another donation. Another bracelet… this one is teal.
    I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks…
    Teal and cancer go great together.

    Take heart Em…
    Attitude, prayers, and money…
    Every day, we are one day closer to gettin’-r-done.

  17. OH, Emily , it is great to see you blogging again. I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I remember doing the same when my dad got sick. Cherish your moments with your mom and know that your friends surround you in prayer.

  18. OH, Emily , it is great to see you blogging again. I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I remember doing the same when my dad got sick. Cherish your moments with your mom and know that your friends surround you in prayer.

  19. When my father was dying from AIDS in the early 90’s, I went through the same thing. I couldn’t stand those red ribbons.

    But they did let me know that I wasn’t alone.

  20. When my father was dying from AIDS in the early 90’s, I went through the same thing. I couldn’t stand those red ribbons.

    But they did let me know that I wasn’t alone.

  21. I share your anger and frustration at misdiagnosis. My Dad has just been diagnosed with liver cancer. It’s in all lobes and the nodes so no chance of resection. 15 mths of raised LFT’s and no one did anything! They thought he was an alcoholic in denial! How do we make these people see what they do to families with their incompetence?

  22. I share your anger and frustration at misdiagnosis. My Dad has just been diagnosed with liver cancer. It’s in all lobes and the nodes so no chance of resection. 15 mths of raised LFT’s and no one did anything! They thought he was an alcoholic in denial! How do we make these people see what they do to families with their incompetence?

  23. I love the way your wear your heart on your sleeve /blog. I love the post about hating pink. I’m sure lots of other people feel the same way. I cannot imagine seeing my mother suffer and go through chemo. I hope that in conversations about gardening, birds, and life lessons you guys get to share, you are finding hope and it is finding you. What a special relationship you have with your mom. How lucky the both of you are to have each other. Much love!

  24. I love the way your wear your heart on your sleeve /blog. I love the post about hating pink. I’m sure lots of other people feel the same way. I cannot imagine seeing my mother suffer and go through chemo. I hope that in conversations about gardening, birds, and life lessons you guys get to share, you are finding hope and it is finding you. What a special relationship you have with your mom. How lucky the both of you are to have each other. Much love!

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